Friday, October 13, 2006

Port-o-lets (not about the dog)

I have this aversion to port-o-lets. Portapotties, as they are also called. I come by this aversion with good reason. It all started with one by the side of the road. This particular portapotty was placed by the road in front of my house when road construction was going on. The road was being moved, a curve straightened out, and the workers needed a potty to keep them from urinating in my yard (for which I am very grateful). The only way to access this 'let was by driving halfway up my driveway.
The amazing thing was the number of other people who would see this potty and suddenly feel the urge to use it. With a firestation and gas station 1/4 mile up the road in one direction, and several restaurants 1/4 mile in the other direction, couldn't they just wait? I came home from Church one Sunday and as I was driving up the road a jogger was making a bee-line for the potty! Didn't she go before she left? Once, this one guy drives up my driveway (essentially blocking it), gets out of his car while I am standing in my yard, looks right at me and goes in. He was in there for a loooong time. Twenty minutes at least. Gave me plenty of time to think. I thought about having my boys go tip it over, but they were too small at the time. I did consider it. When the guy finally emerged, I leaned on my gate and yelled, "You know, you really ought to eat more lettuce!" The guy was horrified, ran to his car and drove off. I mean, what is it with the public toilets?
My driveway is a hill with a slight incline from the road. This means at night, around 2am, someone would come up the driveway, radio blasting, THUMPAH, THUMPAH,
THUMPAH; lights blaring in my bedroom window, and someone would get out and go. This drove me absolutely crazy. I plotted my revenge: placing one of those toilet monsters under the lid, a tape cassette with ghostly noises set to go off after the person sits, saran wrap on the seat; you name it, I thought of it.
Unfortunately, the road crew moved up the road a bit and took the toilet with them before I had the courage to pull something off. Maybe next time I see a potty by the side of the road, I'll grab my plastic wrap and make a pit stop.

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